Aside from feeling the need to run, I've gotta clean my apartment... that's been lookin' a mess. I haven't done my laundry and don't get me wrong I can go a month or two without doing laundry.. I've got a ton of clothes. No matter how many times I've tried to get rid of a lot of them it still seems too much. I've donated so many clothes and footwear to another country.. and I feel like I haven't donated enough. I haven't done much clothes shopping because I have this need to save money for.. well.. bills I should say. That includes helping my parents who both have retired and my baby brother who is in college... a very expensive one at that (Not that colleges aren't expensive as it is, he picked a private one.) Still I feel so useless to them. I need a whole chunk of cash to fall on my lap so that I don't have to worry about these things.. a wish which I'm sure a lot of us share. My baby brother is a hard working college kid, a really good kid. When he was younger he was such a slow learner that my parents worried he would never finish school.. but here he is aspiring to be a 3D animator. Sleepless nights working on his assignments, spending so much time in school.. I worry when he doesn't get sleep. I don't live with my parents where my brother resides so my parents are the ones giving me updates on how he's doing aside from seeing him from time to time. I remember when he and I used to live in Seattle with our mom. My mom lived there for three years, wanting to be away from my father for a while. My baby brother only lived there for a year and I for about eight months. She made my baby brother move there because when my mom moved to Seattle, he sort of turned rebellious.. little did she know that he was even worse when he moved to Seattle. When I arrived I had to guide him in the right direction.. being a teenager was going to be rough. I remember him creating a T-Rex from wire dry cleaner hangers. It was well "sculpted" that I remember being so amazed at what I saw. All it needed was skin. My baby brother actually helped me heal a wounded heart. I ended up in Seattle after a tremendous heartbreak. I was in a three year rollercoaster ride of a relationship with someone I fell too deeply involved with. I loved him. After two years he decided to move to Cali, asked me to come with him but I said no. After three months of missing him I soon followed, even leaving my family and friends behind. Needless to say that only lasted about a month. We couldn't stand each other. I couldn't wait for a plane ticket and so I took Amtrak. I endured 29 hours alone on that train up to Seattle. My heart breaking miles on through. Funny thing is when a cute boy (around my age or maybe a little older I was only 22 then) came onto the train he gave me a triple take and sat near me. We both exchanged glances at each other but never talked during the ride. At one point he went to the back bar/restaurant area.. I was curious so I followed him and ended up getting a beer. But of course I was too chicken to start a conversation and realized I was still heart broken over my ex and went back to my seat. That long Amtrak ride gave me a bit of solitude, some sense of peace. I reached Seattle station hugged my mom so tight and balled into tears. My heart broke even more for the next several months.
I think now about that time and ask myself if he really did hurt me that much that I'm having trouble staying in a relationship? Is it sad that I'm still friends with all my ex-boyfriends? Why do these guys try to find me after many years and tell me they fucked up? That if I could give them one last chance they'd make it right? I think the only reason I allow them in my life is because I'm so over about my feelings for them. Why is it that when a date doesn't work out I end up being just friends with the guy? I'm very feminine on the outside but very tomboy on the inside.. maybe guys just get too intimidated by me. I don't know.
